Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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