I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
