Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
