My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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