why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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