you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
