Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
