I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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