he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
