So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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