FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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