tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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