Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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