so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
