What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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