i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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