i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
