I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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