I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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