So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
