Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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