got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
