He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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