im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
