the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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