Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
