Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
