she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
