My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
