I wish life had little blips of pornography
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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