If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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