OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
