if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
