I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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