Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I need moral support for this bender
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
