I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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