if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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