She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
