I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
tell me about the eggs
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
