he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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