Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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