I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
