every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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