Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
