I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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