im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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