Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
