Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
