Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
