after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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