im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
